Perking the Pansies
Jack and Liam move to Turkey

What does 'Weather' mean?

Find out what Weather means. Weather is explained by Jack Scott - author of Perking the Pansies


With such a large landmass, Turkey enjoys a varied climate, from the temperate climate of the Black Sea region (warm summers, mild winters and high rainfall), to the continental climate of the interior (hot, dry summers, cold winters), mountainous east (long, snowy winters, mild summers) and the Mediterranean climates of the Aegean and Mediterranean coasts (hot summers, short mild rainy winters). These descriptions can be deceptive. The Aegean and Mediterranean coasts in particular can pose a challenge to the uninitiated. Winters may be relatively mild, but they are often endured in houses with no insulation and precious little heating. Rain can be pounding and unrelenting. Summer temperatures reach energy sapping highs. August nights without air-conditioning can be unbearable. Jack and Liam were ill prepared. Read about it Perking the Pansies, Jack and Liam move to Turkey.

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Chapter 1: In the Beginning
"... Cato returned every now and then to check on my mood and replenish our glasses, his distracting buns quivering like two piglets in a sack. As Liam and I chatted, the windows started to de-mist and we caught glimpses of the drab winter coats and scarves scurrying along the icy street outside. ..."
"... Liam. “Not enough. It wouldn’t last.” “Oh come on, nothing lasts.” Liam leapt up and pulled open the curtains. The rain had petered out and winter sunshine streaked through the windows. He was resolute. “We could rent.” “Rent?” “Yes, rent. A bargain basement by the ..."

Chapter 6: The Emigreys
"... minutes passed. The bus was late. Just at that moment a beaten-up VW Beetle rumbled towards us, screeched to a halt and came to rest by the overgrown verge. A diminutive white head leaned out of the window, its features disguised by blinding winter sunshine. “Merhaba, gentlemen. Lift into ..."
"... an incredible city,” said Liam. “We’ve been several times.” “Yes, dear, I can see why it would suit you. These days I prefer to winter in Bodrum.” The car suddenly hit a sharp turn and veered right to avoid an oncoming tractor. The Buddha parted company with the Virgin Mary ..."
"...Yalıkavak was expectedly quiet. The giant sail awnings that graced the high street on our first visit had been folded away, the postcard vendors and tourist-tat traders had left for winter pastures and the few restaurants that hadn’t shut up shop had switched to winter menus. Even the beach was looking decidedly worse for wear after months of pounding by waves and unforgiving beach bums. We rambled past various tea- houses. ..."
"...We were greeted enthusiastically by our Turkish host. Mehmet was clearly grateful for the unforeseen winter custom. The smoky drinking den was barely lit and three local punters propped up the shabby bar, silently sipping rakı, the intoxicating aniseed-flavoured national tipple. A lone expat sat in the corner of the room, his table covered in blue and white chequered plastic and warmed by a single-bar ..."
"... Pact.’” Liam paused. “I don’t want to die yet, Jack.” “Me neither. Not yet.” As we climbed Tepe Hill, we planned our winter amusement. “Backgammon and rumpy pumpy,” said Liam. “Who with?” “Tariq, if he’ll have me.” “Oh, he’ll have you. Remember the old ..."

Chapter 7: Clement's Closet
"...The pitiless Turkish winter was upon us and we were woefully unprepared. We were mugged by a posse of violent tempests rolling across the horizon, a savage spectacle of light and sound that crashed ashore, trapping us inside. Every day, one perfect storm after another ..."
"...Chrissy rang every morning, presumably to check that we hadn’t upped sticks and paddled back to London on a life raft. She ended every call with an unconvincing assurance that the peninsula was experiencing its mildest winter for years. “Not seen the like” she would lie, or “lucky not to be in Britain, they’ve had snow.” Right. On Ben Nevis maybe. The house was colder than a penguin’s arse and she knew it. ..."
" chicks at our door, even though it was addressed to a farm just outside Muğla. “He’s always drunk,” Clement helpfully explained. Liam detested the cold. He decided to blame everything on our huge supply of Turkish guide books, most of which had promised him a wonderfully temperate Aegean winter. On the day the chicks were delivered (“I wanted wellies”) he constructed a pyre outside our front door, doused it in barbecue fluid and threw a match at it. The ceremonial burning of the guide books raised the attention of Tariq, who observed from afar, too scared to interrupt ..."

"...After an inauspicious start, our rapport with Tariq the toothless warmed up nicely. During midwinter there was little for him to do except keep watch and annoy the few residents who had stayed to brave the elements. His favourite pastime was standing on Clement’s terrace and peering through the window to gawp at the wide-screen TV. He would stay there for ages, hypnotised by ..."
"...Chrissy may have been a minor nightmare but she did have her uses, particularly when it came to the rigours of winter laundry. She cautioned us that exposing our damp pants to passing locals was considered very poor taste indeed. Fine. I had no wish to offend but nor did I want our dripping knickers scattered around the living room like some kind of Tate Modern exhibit. We had attempted interior ..."

Chapter 13: Come Dine with Me
"...Every Delia, Nige and Fanny in the neighbourhood had wined and dined us over winter; we had rather taken advantage of our Can’t Cook, Won’t Cook position. Liam decided it was time to kill all the culinary birds with one stone. I thought it an absurd idea. “Cook for that bunch of mean cuisine queens? Forget it.” The competition had become fierce on the ..."
"...choice of music, Eurovision Song Contest Hits, 1953 to 2000, wasn’t exactly helping. I contemplated Twister. Liam suggested strip poker. The thought of ageing birthday suits stretched across our living room floor brought me out in a cold sweat. “Bingo wings and doo-dahs heading south for the winter? Fuck off.” ..."

Chapter 14: The VOMITs
"...Spring was finally in the air and there was a spring in our step. The warming rays stirred us from the benign boredom of winter hibernation. Shorts were aired, sun creams checked and flip flops dusted down. Mosquito season approached alongside and this was dire news for Liam. Relentless and voracious, Turkish mozzies just loved to feast on his flesh, dive-bombing like merciless kamikaze pilots to fashion another medieval pox victim. ..."

Chapter 19: Hit the Road, Jack
"...hour traffic – and people, lots of them. It seemed to make sense. Bodrum was open all year round, entertained far fewer emigreys and housed a great deal more eye candy. Besides, our perfidious landlord was about to evict us, and one more night of the living dead in wintery Yalıkavak would have us sailing back to Blighty on the evening tide. Yalıkavak was a summer gem but an out-of- season nightmare. ..."

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"Hilarious, saucy, witty, heartwarming and incredibly moving...."

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